Tuesday, May 13, 2008
recently feeling quite down... juz couldn't explain myself y is it lyk tat... juz far too many tings happen at one go le bah... so making me to hav sm thoughts... i'm juz so puzzled... y smtimes tings r made so difficult for me... cn it juz b simpler n let me hav sm time to breathe??? i'm trying to b nice cn... den y end up i get back in return is nt wat i wan? ppl hav attitude so do i... den y muz i bear wif ppl's attitude first b4 i cn show my attitude? y everytime i wan to show attitude tat time i still nd to tink b4 i do it to e person? i'm so tired lo... dunno wat to do at times... cn u ppl tell me wat type of attitude u expect me to giv u instead? den mayb i wun b so tired... i'm trying hard to b nice, to joke ard, to b tolerant but end up i found out all tis turn out to b a negative result... i'm trying hard nt to hurt ppl's feeling when saying sm impt stuff or those ting tat i feel will hurt e person when i say it directly to her face... so end up i try to use a mre persuasive way or a "longer" way juz to explain or tell e person... doing tis juz try nt to hurt e person... i tot tis would b gd... i'm using tis way all e while... but end up till recently den i found out i've lost... totally lost... lost in dunno how to treat ppl... lost to myself... lost to e world n oso lost to e ppl ard me... trying hard to tell e person abt smting n doesn't wish to hurt her... talk to her in a nice way all e while... tolerate all e attitude i get... n end up another person tell her e same ting but in a vry direct way straight into her face... i'm so scared she will get hurt so i didn't do it... but end up??? she convince by tat another person instead of me... wat reply i got in return is becoz i speak so indirect so she is nt convince... i've been tinking y i care so much for other ppl's feeling??? smtimes talk to ppl seems lyk talking to e air... asking lots of qn but wif no reply... when decision is made yet all e objections coming in... ask for another suggestion n yet wat i get??? no reply agn... i'm really tired at times... i prefer nt to say it infront of e them becoz i really dun wan to hurt ppl... i hate n oso scared to hurt ppl... i dun wan when i do tings end up other ppl r suffering... i dun wan i'm e person to b happy n yet ppl ard me to b sad... haiz... it's juz so confusing... so far watever tings i've done nt to hurt others had alr hurt myself badly... it's alr alot... i cn say thr's lots of wound... they cnt even heal totally... everytime when it is abt to heal, another cut will juz land on it... same position, same length but diff depth... coz it has alr gone deeper n deeper... so i've been wondering... wat shd i do??? of course i'm nt trying to say how much sacrifice i've made... i cnt promise i've nv hurt ppl b4... i nv say i didn't show attitude to ppl at all... but it's juz tat i juz dunno wat type of attitude shd i giv to e ppl ard me? smtimes i've been trying to hide myself frm fear... i've been using "scoldings" to hide myself... ppl may tot i'm confident, brave n daring... but who will noe e real side of me? i'm definitely nt a confident, brave n daring person... if i m den i wun b caring so much n ended up in tis state... dunno wat to do, dunno wat to say n dunno how to face ppl wif e actual self of mine... mayb to a few of them i cn but e rest??? i'm juz nt an actor to act infront of ppl... but beside acting to hide my true self, wat else cn i do? i tink it's time for me to tink deeply of wat to do... but i guess end up i will still continue n get myself hurt bah...
Labels: trying hard to get e ans... n preparing to get mre deeper wounds...
This is how all things worked...
12:29 AM
